10 things wrong with 50 Shades of Grey

Yes, the next craze has hit the stores: 50 Shades of Grey. I was really excited to read this at first because I thought “Oh, an erotic novel! It should be good.”

I was wrong.

1. Anastasia Steele: don’t tell me that at 22, you have never been attracted to a man before you met Christian Grey. It is completely natural, get over yourself. On top of that, stop being so desperate, needy, confused, clumsy, and overall stupid.

2. Christian Grey is domineering, controlling, condescending, abusive, and self absorbed. Basically, he is satan re-incarnated.

3. Nobody refers to their lady parts as their “inner goddess.”

4. Nobody signs sex contracts, except for in this God forsaken book.

5. Every orgasm Ana has in the book is more or less the same. I wish the author had spared us the agony of reading painfully detailed descriptions of them.

6. If a guy stalks you on your trip to see you mom, it is a huge ass red flag waving at you in your face. Trust it.

7. There are other forms of communication apart from e-mail, perhaps Christian and Ana should explore them.

8. College is about more than studying towards a degree, it’s about finding out more about yourself and your life. If Ana can make such a dire mistake after college, she hasn’t learned anything.

9. If you are mature enough to do BDSM, you are mature enough to buy your own bloody birth control.

10. Having an older woman sleep with a teenager is not normal – Christian is obviously screwed up if he thinks it is.

There you have it. I think if I put my mind to it, I could find 50 things wrong with this book. If you don’t want to read the equivalent of a never-ending horror show, I suggest you return the book.

The ups and the downs of life changed me when…

I learned to deal with them. The good, the great, the bad, and the ugly. There are so many incidents in our life that defines who we are. Yes, it sounds lame, but acknowledging them is very valuable. So here is to:

That one tragic event that changed me for good. The day I know I’m over it, will the day I don’t remember the anniversary. Until then, I will continue to remember that one fateful day.

That humiliating rumor spread by some a$*hole in college. F$@k you, and all your accomplices. I want you to ask yourself today, was it really all worth it to you?

Not being treated the way we expected to be by the people who we know are our friends, but don’t always act like them.  I realize now that I’m not always a friend. I do things to hurt people that I don’t always know. So, I suppose, I’m ok with the fact that I wasn’t invited to one or two parties.

My weight problem, my fear of pissing off my family, my need to be praised at work, my constant desire for attention. In short, my insecurities. They will be the one constant in my life, and if I can’t eliminate them completely, I will learn to live peacefully with them.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I there is so much more that makes me..well, me! It’s not important; I would probably spend days adding to this and I would lose everyones attention. One thing is true though – the both good and bad define us, and facing both is important. That said, I suggest forgetting about Oprah’s life classes and the doctors who recommend ways to improve your life in Cosmo – coming to terms with the bad in life is the best character builder.

Salem Falls review

 

“Salem Falls” is probably the last Jodi Picoult novel I plan on reading for a very long time. Of all three books that I have reviewed, I would have to give this one 2 out of 5 stars, and here is why.

First of all, I didn’t understand why she chose to switch back and forth by year. It was extremely difficult to follow, and so many of the flashbacks were unnecessary. Take the one back to 1969 when Jack was born as an example. That subplot had absolutely no bearing on the story. Picoult crammed too much into one story, and it made me wonder if the book was really worth finishing. I would recommend that readers skim the flashbacks, but pay close attention to story happening in Salem Falls, and prior to that when Jack was a teacher.

Secondly, teenage witches? It almost seemed as though she was inspired by an episode of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” The topic of false accusations and rape made such a good story, I wish she had more realistic teenage characters so the story could be more logical.

On the plus side, I give Picoult 5 stars for effective research on DNA testing. It was obvious she knew what she was writing about, with all those tables and complicated scientific explanations during the court case. Also, Jack, Addie, Roy, Catherine, Jordan, and Selena were so three dimensional, and so perfectly described, the reader almost feels like they know the characters personally.

Final verdict: Salem Falls is worth a read if you are patient enough and like a good thriller.

When all else fails, I could act like a fool on TV, and make more money!

Earlier on Facebook, I saw this quote from Daniel Craig. The quote itself is entertaining, but  it really makes you think how a little effort and luck can go a long way today.

Remember when actors trained in the theatre before entering Hollywood, and when singers were not starting clothing lines? Those people had true talent, and they had every right to make money off it. Now, if you turn on a show like “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, it’s fairly obvious that fame has easy access now, no talent required.

 

Books that are recommended that really shouldn’t be

We’ve all read that book with high expectations because everyone we’ve talked to has raved about it. Then we read it, and kick ourselves for not spending all that time more wisely. This list goes from the bad books, to the absolute worst. Please, feel free to disagree with me.

Ok fine, so I’m not a “true” literature fan, but only because I thought I would die before I finished this book. I remember falling asleep while reading it, and waking up not remembering what I had just read. I don’t even remember enough of the story to expound on it here. Let’s put it this way: if I was a teacher, I would not inflict pain on my students by making them read this book.

 

 

 

I loved the books at one point too, but that was before the TV series came out. In retrospect, the books were boring compared to all the drama that the upper east siders stir up on TV. Some complained when the TV series aired that the characters did not look anything like the way they were described in the book (Jenny’s boobs and Serena’s face to be specific). The point is though, Taylor Momsen made Jenny edgier, which added to the drama. As for Serena, it’s impossible to find a woman who literally looks like a goddess. Blake Lively’s long blonde hair and height does the trick…over time.

 

I thought I would break the rule, and save the worst for last. I realize this was a number one  New York Times bestseller, but if you read deeply into the subliminal messages she sends out, you will realize that she was just really pretentious and dramatic. In the beginning, when she is describing how she feels about her marriage, and creates this whole scene of her sitting on her bathroom floor and talking to God. I disagree with how she went about her entire trip, because I didn’t fully understand why she had to give up everything for it. It was supposed to be a tell all book, but then why didn’t she disclose why she was unhappy in her marriage?  Her story is pretty common; many women travel to get away from the insanity of married life. If the author of Eat, Pray, Love deserves to be titled as a “best selling author”, then so do all those other women. Seriously, watch the movie. Julia Roberts is as fabulous as ever, even when she’s scrubbing floors…

How to fit in in an all girls private school

I went to a private school for what seemed like 11 torturous years, only because for many of them, I didn’t fit in. It wasn’t until recently that I started figuring out why that was so.

I didn’t blend in because I spoke my mind and I expressed my opinions which clashed with those of the stereotypical private school girls. GIrls sort of like these:

Yes, they do exist, except they wear uniforms.

One of the keys to success is to blend in at any cost. If people see that you are different, or that your ideas may be better than theirs, they will start to see you as a threat. So if you tell one of the girls that the shirt she bought at Aritzia is not that exclusive and that you are, in fact, allowed to have the same one, you have basically bought yourself a one way ticket to isolation. Now don’t get me wrong, there were only very few times when I was completely isolated, but it was a rough couple years nonetheless.

Also, don’t be afraid to be a bitch. One of the girls might say that you’re one, but remember, they are no different. Girls are like dogs – they smell fear. Try to avoid doing the following in front of them:

1. Walking with your head down
2. Crying
3. Sitting alone too often

You should also try to always make friends with the right people, which in high school lingo, means the popular people. If they don’t accept you, don’t force them to. It will only display desperation on your part, and they will take advantage of you. Take Cady in Mean Girls as an example – she tried way to hard to be a Plastic, and she only got melted in the end.  Having said all this, don’t be mean or possessive. There was a girl in my class who was on this crazy roll where she was way too possessive and controlling over her friends, and she ended up graduating with half the amount of friends than she started off with. It was a super sad story, but she brought it upon herself. This is one of the most important rules: NEVER  dig yourself a hole. Because in private school, that hole slowly, but surely becomes a very deep grave.

In any case, high school is an awkward, hormonal time in everyones lives. Unfortunately, in an all girls school, the hormones are amplified and playing your cards right becomes crucial in the the dirty game of high school politics.

Be smart girls, good luck!

5 things not to say to someone working at a hotel’s front desk

1. “Why didn’t you put up a sign that the computer isn’t working?”
Well, ok…do you have a hundred thousand calls coming in at once? If you did, would you have time to make a sign, and leave the desk to stick it to the computer? No, I didn’t think so.

2. “But I gave you my credit card when I reserved”
I promise I am not taking your credit card to go shopping at Barney’s. Just give me the card so I don’t get yelled at by my boss for not doing my job right. Regardless, we will charge you and you are not getting anything for free.

3. “I would like to make a dinner booking”
“Of course, for what day?”
“Oh I don’t know yet”
*5 mins later*
“I still don’t know”
Well…I don’t even know…Why are you..? Oh forget it.

4. “No, you are not really fully booked, I know it”
You don’t know it, because you are not looking at the reservations! The hotels want business, but if there is no room in the restaurant, that’s just the way it is. Yelling at someone will certainly not free up a table for you. Alternatively, you could eat somewhere else.

5. “I’m afraid you cannot bring your friends to the gym during these hours”
“Why? I do it all the time”
If you do it all the time, then why are you asking if it’s ok? Just.Stop.Lying.About.It.

All of the above + 8 hours of stress =

LA Candy Review: Not So Sweet, LC

I was never a huge Lauren Conrad fan, but I was a loyal viewer of “The Hills”. I suppose this how LA Candy sparked an interest in me, and to be honest, I kind of wish it hadn’t.

Well, that’s not entirely true. The first 3/4 of the book had so many trivial details, such as what Scarlett and Jane (the main characters) were wearing and how their make up was done. I felt stupid as a person reading these details , and was dying for her to hurry the hell up before my IQ dropped too low. But then you get to the last 1/4 of the book, and it becomes so intense. I kept reading frantically, so excited to find out what happens, then there’s a cliffhanger. OMG!!! (she uses texting language a lot…and parentheses). Now, I have been forced to read the sequel, “Sweet Little Lies”. I guess LC knew that without keeping the readers guessing, nobody would buy the sequel. This is based on the assumption that the sequel is as poorly written as the first book.

Actually, I’m wrong. Poorly written does not even begin to describe the paragraph formation and the detailing in this novel. Many were quick to assume that a ghostwriter had written this for Conrad, but the truth is, I could practically hear her narrating the story as I read it. Aside from the irrelevant details, most of the characters were extremely bland, with the exception of Scarlett. I kind of wish Conrad had made Scarlett the star of the show “L.A. Candy”, and not Jane, simply because Jane was so boring. Honestly, if I was Madison Parker, I would be pissed off that Jane was the star of the show as well. I suppose in all fairness to Conrad, Jane was a reflection of herself – and I never found Conrad remotely interesting.

I give the girl an A for effort, because the plot really did have potential. It’s just unfortunate that she wasted so many pages on useless detail. Having said that, I am guilty of currently reading “Sweet Little Lies”, the sequel.

I recommend “L.A. Candy” to: girls ages 13 and above, or girls who are mature enough to understand that the chances of them living a life in reality TV are slim to none.

Top 5 reasons to block someone from your Facebook newsfeed

We have all seen those annoying Facebook statuses that make you go “wtf?” Here are my personal top 5 Facebook petpeeves

1. People who constantly quote their children on their statuses                                          Ok look, it’s understandable that parents want to share milestones such as their child’s first word or first step, but not every damn thing your kid says! All children say cute stuff, and yes most of them say cute stuff everyday. So your kid is not that different from the rest of the children their age.

2. People who complain about their financial situation                                                    Yeah, it’s a rough economy, and there are many people who are in the same boat as you if not worse off. Expounding your financial woes on Facebook will not make them better. Plus, there are some details that are best kept private, and your money issues is one of them.

3. People who always tag their location, no matter where they are                                    We all might be impressed if you’re at the best club in town, but if you’re at Safeway? Not so much. That is all.

4. People who write obscure sentences without an explanation                                     When you write something like “I’m so sad, I don’t know how this happened :(” people are bound to ask why. For God’s sakes, don’t write that if you don’t want to tell people what is wrong. Either way, you’re just looking for attention.

5. People who write super super long winded details of their day                                 “Today I woke up, and said goodbye to my boyfriend. Then I had coffee with my sister, then I had lunch with my mom, then I went shopping with my best friend and now I’m at home with my boyfriend we made dinner pasta yum!” (includes a picture of the pasta). No joke, I’ve seen a status similar to this one. We are all happy that you had such a good day, and please don’t do this again.

What are your Facebook status pet peeves?

My Sister’s Keeper review

Once again, I am a bit behind on the program, but I just finished reading “My Sister’s Keeper”. Similar to the last review I wrote on “Sing You Home”, I think it’s only fair to find the downside to this seemingly touching novel.

*Warning: this review contains spoilers. If you want to read the book or are currently doing so, do not continue reading. If you don’t care, then carry on.

Picoult addressed many important issues in this novel, such as family life, battling cancer, and being sued. There is no doubt that she researched oncology effectively, but how she rambled on and on using complex medical terms was ridiculous. At one point, I began to wonder if she even understood all that vocabulary herself. This is not the only unnecessary thing in this novel. Picoult added in so many characters, that made absolutely no difference to the story. Take Jesse, the brother as an example; he would have made a difference if his parents noticed him, but they didn’t! He was setting houses on fire, and they didn’t care as much as they should have. We know that Brian and Sara are pre-occupied with Kate’s illness, so please, give them one more child to ignore. Izzy, Julia’s sister, is another character who’s presence was completely irrelevant to the story. One would assume that she was only there to support Julia through her drama with Campbell, but their relationship drama should not deserve enough attention to add another character in for it.

Then to top it all off, she kills off Anna. If you read the interview at the end of the book, Picoult claims this was the only ending that made sense to the medical issue at hand. It might have made sense to her, but as a reader, I felt cheated. Anna went through all the trouble to sue her parents so she wouldn’t have to give her kidney to Kate, and in the end, Picoult kills her off and takes her kidney anyway. It would be disrespectful to force someone do a favor that major against their will when they are alive, but it is despicable to take something that they fought so hard to keep when they are dead. Honestly, between Picoult and Sara Fitzgerald (the mother), I’m not sure who’s a worse person.

While I thought that overall, “My Sister’s Keeper” was a heartwarming story, it could be cut in half and it would be exactly the same.