10 things wrong with 50 Shades of Grey

Yes, the next craze has hit the stores: 50 Shades of Grey. I was really excited to read this at first because I thought “Oh, an erotic novel! It should be good.”

I was wrong.

1. Anastasia Steele: don’t tell me that at 22, you have never been attracted to a man before you met Christian Grey. It is completely natural, get over yourself. On top of that, stop being so desperate, needy, confused, clumsy, and overall stupid.

2. Christian Grey is domineering, controlling, condescending, abusive, and self absorbed. Basically, he is satan re-incarnated.

3. Nobody refers to their lady parts as their “inner goddess.”

4. Nobody signs sex contracts, except for in this God forsaken book.

5. Every orgasm Ana has in the book is more or less the same. I wish the author had spared us the agony of reading painfully detailed descriptions of them.

6. If a guy stalks you on your trip to see you mom, it is a huge ass red flag waving at you in your face. Trust it.

7. There are other forms of communication apart from e-mail, perhaps Christian and Ana should explore them.

8. College is about more than studying towards a degree, it’s about finding out more about yourself and your life. If Ana can make such a dire mistake after college, she hasn’t learned anything.

9. If you are mature enough to do BDSM, you are mature enough to buy your own bloody birth control.

10. Having an older woman sleep with a teenager is not normal – Christian is obviously screwed up if he thinks it is.

There you have it. I think if I put my mind to it, I could find 50 things wrong with this book. If you don’t want to read the equivalent of a never-ending horror show, I suggest you return the book.

Random Stuff To Do For Happiness

Walk in the rain. Say “I love you”. Confront your fears. Take initiative. Compliment someone. Take advantage of the sun when it is out. Try a new ice cream flavour. Close your eyes, open a random page of a cookbook, and make that recipe TONIGHT. Take pictures. Shop at sales. Laugh. Play on a playground. Re-examine the influence the people in your life are having on you, then get rid of those who add negativity. DoodleWake up to see the sunrise. Stay out to see the sunset.  Learn something new. Catch up with friends. See the good in people. Drink wine, or water, or whatever. Be artsy. Be nerdy. Wear glasses to make a fashion statement. Try a type of cuisine you are unfamiliar with. Make conversation with someone you don’t really like. In your mind only, curse the person who ruined your day. Vent. Go to the beachGoogle random topics. Speak your mind. Try out a trend that never appealed to you before. Wear colour. Put on your highest heels just for the fun of it. Daydream. Read a trashy book. Be fearlessWatch an old classic movie. Drive without direction. Dance. Listen to music. Play a sport. Hug. Kiss. Appreciate your life, you only get one chance to.

 

 

Which of the two people in the world are you?

There are two types of people in this world:

1. People who are nice to others because they genuinely like them. They will always reply to your texts no matter who you are.

2. People who are only nice to others if there is something in it for them. They will only text you back if they can use you to get ahead.

If you don’t believe me, observe the people you know, especially in the workplace. There is no other way human nature can go.

If I were the parent of a boy bullying a 68 year old bus monitor…

Firstly, I would be so embarrassed for myself and for my family. The Dad of one of the bullies was interviewed on AC 360 (I couldn’t find the link for this segment of the interview), but he said that he was sending his son to therapy. I say, screw therapy – the little buggers needs to be sent to boot camp.

We all know what is important in a teenage boys life: computers, video games, cell phones, going out with friends. He would have to say goodbye to them for the summer, and no, I wouldn’t care how bored he is.

Another great way to deal with this horrendous situation: community service! I’m talking disgusting types of community service, like picking up trash at the side of the road. If I could, I would love to see him volunteering in a kitchen, scraping food off plates. I’ve done it before for two weeks, and it’s pretty gross. Gross enough to make my son start to realize the damage his mistake has caused. Basically anything that isn’t fun would do the trick.

Then, if he has time, which he should,  he should read a self-help book, or take a class. On ethics, perhaps.

Yeah, it all sounds really harsh, but that’s the only way children learn – through deprivation.     Plus, if it was legal, a couple spanks wouldn’t hurt either.

All this being said, having over $500,000 raised for Karen is amazing. For a while, I had lost my faith in human compassion, but now it’s clear that there is compassion out there. It’s interesting how complete strangers can be more compassionate than people who are supposed to be close to you.

Watch the video if you haven’t already:

The ups and the downs of life changed me when…

I learned to deal with them. The good, the great, the bad, and the ugly. There are so many incidents in our life that defines who we are. Yes, it sounds lame, but acknowledging them is very valuable. So here is to:

That one tragic event that changed me for good. The day I know I’m over it, will the day I don’t remember the anniversary. Until then, I will continue to remember that one fateful day.

That humiliating rumor spread by some a$*hole in college. F$@k you, and all your accomplices. I want you to ask yourself today, was it really all worth it to you?

Not being treated the way we expected to be by the people who we know are our friends, but don’t always act like them.  I realize now that I’m not always a friend. I do things to hurt people that I don’t always know. So, I suppose, I’m ok with the fact that I wasn’t invited to one or two parties.

My weight problem, my fear of pissing off my family, my need to be praised at work, my constant desire for attention. In short, my insecurities. They will be the one constant in my life, and if I can’t eliminate them completely, I will learn to live peacefully with them.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I there is so much more that makes me..well, me! It’s not important; I would probably spend days adding to this and I would lose everyones attention. One thing is true though – the both good and bad define us, and facing both is important. That said, I suggest forgetting about Oprah’s life classes and the doctors who recommend ways to improve your life in Cosmo – coming to terms with the bad in life is the best character builder.

Salem Falls review

 

“Salem Falls” is probably the last Jodi Picoult novel I plan on reading for a very long time. Of all three books that I have reviewed, I would have to give this one 2 out of 5 stars, and here is why.

First of all, I didn’t understand why she chose to switch back and forth by year. It was extremely difficult to follow, and so many of the flashbacks were unnecessary. Take the one back to 1969 when Jack was born as an example. That subplot had absolutely no bearing on the story. Picoult crammed too much into one story, and it made me wonder if the book was really worth finishing. I would recommend that readers skim the flashbacks, but pay close attention to story happening in Salem Falls, and prior to that when Jack was a teacher.

Secondly, teenage witches? It almost seemed as though she was inspired by an episode of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” The topic of false accusations and rape made such a good story, I wish she had more realistic teenage characters so the story could be more logical.

On the plus side, I give Picoult 5 stars for effective research on DNA testing. It was obvious she knew what she was writing about, with all those tables and complicated scientific explanations during the court case. Also, Jack, Addie, Roy, Catherine, Jordan, and Selena were so three dimensional, and so perfectly described, the reader almost feels like they know the characters personally.

Final verdict: Salem Falls is worth a read if you are patient enough and like a good thriller.

When all else fails, I could act like a fool on TV, and make more money!

Earlier on Facebook, I saw this quote from Daniel Craig. The quote itself is entertaining, but  it really makes you think how a little effort and luck can go a long way today.

Remember when actors trained in the theatre before entering Hollywood, and when singers were not starting clothing lines? Those people had true talent, and they had every right to make money off it. Now, if you turn on a show like “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, it’s fairly obvious that fame has easy access now, no talent required.

 

Books that are recommended that really shouldn’t be

We’ve all read that book with high expectations because everyone we’ve talked to has raved about it. Then we read it, and kick ourselves for not spending all that time more wisely. This list goes from the bad books, to the absolute worst. Please, feel free to disagree with me.

Ok fine, so I’m not a “true” literature fan, but only because I thought I would die before I finished this book. I remember falling asleep while reading it, and waking up not remembering what I had just read. I don’t even remember enough of the story to expound on it here. Let’s put it this way: if I was a teacher, I would not inflict pain on my students by making them read this book.

 

 

 

I loved the books at one point too, but that was before the TV series came out. In retrospect, the books were boring compared to all the drama that the upper east siders stir up on TV. Some complained when the TV series aired that the characters did not look anything like the way they were described in the book (Jenny’s boobs and Serena’s face to be specific). The point is though, Taylor Momsen made Jenny edgier, which added to the drama. As for Serena, it’s impossible to find a woman who literally looks like a goddess. Blake Lively’s long blonde hair and height does the trick…over time.

 

I thought I would break the rule, and save the worst for last. I realize this was a number one  New York Times bestseller, but if you read deeply into the subliminal messages she sends out, you will realize that she was just really pretentious and dramatic. In the beginning, when she is describing how she feels about her marriage, and creates this whole scene of her sitting on her bathroom floor and talking to God. I disagree with how she went about her entire trip, because I didn’t fully understand why she had to give up everything for it. It was supposed to be a tell all book, but then why didn’t she disclose why she was unhappy in her marriage?  Her story is pretty common; many women travel to get away from the insanity of married life. If the author of Eat, Pray, Love deserves to be titled as a “best selling author”, then so do all those other women. Seriously, watch the movie. Julia Roberts is as fabulous as ever, even when she’s scrubbing floors…

To put some light into unemployment

Perhaps your company has given you the summer off, and suddenly, your days are going by a thousand times slower than normal. True it’s a sad situation, but when’s the last time you were free to do whatever you wanted? If there is anytime to believe that the world is your oyster, it is now!

Learn something. It is so easy to sit around and mope, but the best way to get rid of your misery is to distract yourself. Take a class, learn a sport, even take a trip if you can afford to.

Get in shape! Yes, this even goes for you lucky people who are naturally in shape. Exercise is not only a way to lose weight, it an be a hobby as well. Not a fan of treadmills? Try Yoga, Pilates, or the new and trendy exercise methods like Tabata.

Read an entire book series.

Watch all the seasons of any TV show that everyone else raves about, but you just never got around to watching. I did that with Modern Family, and I’ve never gone back.

Look for other opportunities. Getting the summer off could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Spend time with the people you love.

Then, before you know it, you will be back to work with less time to do any of the above. Enjoy the time off :)

 

 

How to fit in in an all girls private school

I went to a private school for what seemed like 11 torturous years, only because for many of them, I didn’t fit in. It wasn’t until recently that I started figuring out why that was so.

I didn’t blend in because I spoke my mind and I expressed my opinions which clashed with those of the stereotypical private school girls. GIrls sort of like these:

Yes, they do exist, except they wear uniforms.

One of the keys to success is to blend in at any cost. If people see that you are different, or that your ideas may be better than theirs, they will start to see you as a threat. So if you tell one of the girls that the shirt she bought at Aritzia is not that exclusive and that you are, in fact, allowed to have the same one, you have basically bought yourself a one way ticket to isolation. Now don’t get me wrong, there were only very few times when I was completely isolated, but it was a rough couple years nonetheless.

Also, don’t be afraid to be a bitch. One of the girls might say that you’re one, but remember, they are no different. Girls are like dogs – they smell fear. Try to avoid doing the following in front of them:

1. Walking with your head down
2. Crying
3. Sitting alone too often

You should also try to always make friends with the right people, which in high school lingo, means the popular people. If they don’t accept you, don’t force them to. It will only display desperation on your part, and they will take advantage of you. Take Cady in Mean Girls as an example – she tried way to hard to be a Plastic, and she only got melted in the end.  Having said all this, don’t be mean or possessive. There was a girl in my class who was on this crazy roll where she was way too possessive and controlling over her friends, and she ended up graduating with half the amount of friends than she started off with. It was a super sad story, but she brought it upon herself. This is one of the most important rules: NEVER  dig yourself a hole. Because in private school, that hole slowly, but surely becomes a very deep grave.

In any case, high school is an awkward, hormonal time in everyones lives. Unfortunately, in an all girls school, the hormones are amplified and playing your cards right becomes crucial in the the dirty game of high school politics.

Be smart girls, good luck!